OutGunned
by Lady Jesca
Summary: Gunn deals with the death of a friend...


Author's Notes: I wrote this story a long time ago. This is called Out- Gunned and takes place after AtS: Belonging. Season 2 I think. It's rated R due to the fact that Gunn is a potty mouth. It's written in his point of view. I take no credit for the characters, I give that to Joss.  
  
Picture Gunn standing in solitude, watching over his vampire killing gang, watching his friend burn because of a vampire. You saw his face. What was he thinking?  
  
// denotes internal monologue.  
  
Enjoy.  
  
**~**.  
  
It wasn't right. Watching him burn like that. He tried so much. He did so much. He'd watch a brother's back. He'd take a brother's place. Maybe he took my place. I should have been there.  
  
They were supposed to wait for me. //We been waiting for you for months, bro// It was true. I know it. But it's not like I've been living it up, vacationing in some resort or nothin'. I've been working. Not all of them were just vampires, either. Though, some were. I mean, fuck, fightin' Darla and Drusilla, Wolfram and Hart, the Lubbers, one T'ish Magev, zombie police, and a Haklar with two A's keeps a man kinda busy. Not to mention the random vampires and Deevak I helped get the fuck gone. One man. I'm just one fuckin' man.  
  
So was George. Just one man. Strong, but.I shouldn't of left them. Hell. They shouldn't have gone all balls and no brains thinking they're some kind of heroes. Not my fault if they can't follow a damn order.  
  
Who am I to give orders to them? They are in the thick, day in and day out, killin' vamps. Without me. Why would they think this was any different?  
  
Could Angel and Wesley hack 'n slashed that Haklar without me? Probly. Shoulda let them, too. When my boys came to me and told me they needed me, I shoulda been there. They'd have been there for me. Hell, they ~were~ there for me.  
  
No. I won't show it. I won't let the tears show. Cry on the inside. No time to cry. Be a fuckin' man. At least I can do that right.  
  
How did I think I was gonna be able to do this? How did I think I could go runnin' off with Angel and Wes and be able to hang with the gang and dust vamps with them too? I can't. I know that now.  
  
What do I do?  
  
I want to scream. If I broke this silence, would my scream be able to quench the flames of the fire erasing George? Probly I'd just get a few angry eyes lookin' my way. Maybe some pity. Who needs that? Nah. I just stand here. Watch. Wait.  
  
His ragged clothes are the first to flame up. They should have been watching him. Making sure he drank. to see if this was even necessary. I shoulda been watching him.  
  
Circular. No matter how many reasons I invent for myself, no matter how many excuses, it is all circular.  
  
If I'm honest with myself. I know this would hurt just as much if I were there. Maybe more. At least I can say I was fightin' when he died. We were both fightin'. Me for my new friends, and him for his life.  
  
Crying. I know some are. I wish I could. I hate crying. I won't do it. But I wish I could. I wish tears would cascade from my eyes and drip down my chin and get lost in the world, washing my grief and guilt away with it. It won't happen. But just thinking it seems to help.  
  
That's it. I gotta tell Angel and Wes I'm out. I mean, I love savin' the city as much as the next man. I'm all for it. But at what cost? They don't help ~my~ people. ~I~ don't help my people anymore. All the time I been with them, we've helped who? One rich little girl whose parents wouldn't pay up afterwards. If we helped more, I can't remember. All I see is George and Rondell exchanging that look. The look that says they expected me to say I had other shit to do.  
  
I guess I better tell them. While this is still fresh in my head. Better to live a decade slaying younger vamps and making sure the kids around here grow old and the old die with blood than to see another accusing look being thrown my way.  
  
Sad shit is.I don't think I'm doing this for George. I think I'm doing this for me. 


End file.
